About
I am a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Hermosa Beach and Seal Beach, CA. I specialize in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for individuals, couples, and families. As an EFT therapist, I help clients break out of the destructive, negative cycles in which they are stuck;
make sense of their own and others’ emotions; and create close, healthy relationships.
All of us have an innate drive to form secure relationships with others. However, due to early life experiences, we may have developed patterns of relating to others that make relationships difficult. These patterns are based on expectations about how others will treat us. At one time, they were the best way to protect ourselves from an unhealthy environment. The problem is when we are still stuck with them, even though they are no longer necessary. In a self-fulfilling loop, these expectations lead us to behave in ways that elicit the very responses we fear. Using Emotionally Focused Therapy, I can help people change these feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, and to experience a more rewarding way of connecting with other people.
Our drive to connect with a trusted person is a human survival instinct. Clearly seen in babies, this drive persists into adulthood as the need for a secure bond with another person. Deep in our brains, emotional connection is still interpreted as safety, and isolation or disconnection is interpreted as a threat to survival — a life or death situation!
Disconnection feels so painful and scary that we urgently try to feel better, using whatever strategy we have. Unfortunately, without meaning to, we often deal with disconnection in a way that scares the other person and pushes him or her farther away.
One common coping style in moments of distress is to move toward the other person, protesting the disconnection and requesting (or demanding!) connection. Sadly, this pursuit can come across to the other as alarming anger and criticism, rather than an attempt to heal the relationship.
Another common coping style is to move away from the other person, trying to avoid painful conflict and not feel your unmet need for connection. This withdrawal can be seen by the other as an alarming lack of love, rather than an attempt to protect the relationship and both of you from further damage.
When each person’s response to disconnection inadvertently alarms the other and increases the distance between them, a vicious circle ensues. Like a whirlpool, this circle pulls both people in and is very hard to escape! Some common cycles are:
- The more one person protests, the more the other distances – and the more one distances, the more the other protests and pursues.
- The more each person feels criticized, the more he or she defends by criticizing back.
- The more distant and unapproachable each person appears, the more the other withdraws.
Using EFT, I help people step out of their negative cycle and make sense of the expectations, emotions, and unmet needs that were driving it. They learn how to express their needs and emotions in a way that feels safe to the other person and helps him or her to respond and come closer to you. A similar process can help people heal their relationship after a betrayal or abandonment (such as an affair), leading to forgiveness and renewed trust.
Confusingly, emotional disconnection may have led to recurring arguments about seemingly unrelated issues such as money, parenting, personality differences, chores, and sex. Underlying and intensifying these disagreements are painful hidden questions: Do I matter to you? Can I reach you? Can I count on you if I need you? Once these fundamental questions are calmed, and you both feel safe and loved, you will find it much easier to resolve those other issues.
In addition to private couples therapy, I also provide EFT-based Hold Me Tight weekend couples workshops. This is not couples therapy, nor is it just listening to a lecture. It is a relaxed, non-threatening opportunity for people to experience a new way of understanding their relationship and connecting with each other. Couples have opportunities throughout the workshop to try out what they learn in private conversations with each other, with help from the workshop leaders if desired. Group participation is not required.
I also provide Discernment Counseling to help couples on the brink of divorce decide whether to pursue couples counseling. Discernment Counseling is a structured, short-term process using a maximum of 5 counseling sessions. It is designed for couples where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship — and not sure that regular couples counseling would help — and the other is wanting to stay together and rebuild the relationship.
This process can help both people gain clarity and confidence about their direction, based on a deeper understanding of their relationship and its possibilities for the future. I help them decide among three paths: restoring the relationship to health, moving toward divorce, or choosing to decide later.
The goal during Discernment Counseling is not to solve the relationship problems, but only to see if they are solvable. I respect people’s reasons for considering divorce while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the relationship to health. I don’t take sides, or see either person as the bad guy.
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