Michaelides Counselling

“Marriage is a conscious decision, not a basic instinct, and as such, requires a conscious effort”

John Gottman, a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, entered the field of psychological research with a background in advanced mathematics and statistical analysis. In the course of his 40+ year career he has developed mathematical models, scales, and formulas to identify the elements of stability in relationships and the interactive patterns that cause couples to divorce.

This research forms the basis of Kirby’s knowledge.

Gottman’s studies pointed to relationship difficulties caused by the “Four Horsemen,” named after the famous Albrecht Durer engraving Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

These factors predictive of divorce include:

Criticism of the partner’s personality
Defensiveness
Stonewalling, or refusing to interact
Contempt
Couples who function effectively treat each other with consideration, and are supportive of each other.


Goals of the Gottman Method

The goals of the Gottman Method include increasing closeness and friendship behaviours, addressing conflict productively, and building a life of shared meaning together. The Gottman Method involves customising principles from the research to each couple’s particular patterns and challenges.

The Seven Principles include the following concepts:

BUILD LOVE MAPS

This refers to an ongoing awareness of our partners’ worlds as they move through time: how they think and feel, what day-to-day life is like for them, and their values, hopes, aspirations, and stresses.

EXPRESS FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION

Couples who function well are able to appreciate and enjoy most aspects of each partner’s behaviour and learn to live with differences.

TURN TOWARD ONE ANOTHER

Conversational patterns of interest and respect, even about mundane topics are crucial to happiness. Couples who turn toward successfully maintain a 20:1 ratio of expressing interest or acknowledgement vs. ignoring conversational gambits. This is referred to as the “Emotional Bank Account.” Couples who are highly successful keep a 5:1 ratio in conflict discussions, even Turning Towards while arguing.

ACCEPT INFLUENCE

Members of a couple who take the other partner’s preferences into account and are willing to compromise and adapt are happiest. Being able to yield and maintain mutual influence, while avoiding power struggles, helps couples keep a balance of power that feels reasonable and builds trust.

SOLVE PROBLEMS THAT ARE SOLVABLE

Couples who can find compromise on issues are using five tactics. They soften start up so the beginning of the conversation leads to a satisfactory end. They offer and respond to repair attempts, or behaviors that maintain the emotional connection and emphasize “we/us” over individual needs. They effectively soothe themselves and their partner. They use compromise and negotiation skills. They are tolerant of one another’s vulnerabilities and ineffective conversational habits, keeping the focus on shared concern for the well-being of the relationship.

MANAGE CONFLICT AND OVERCOME GRIDLOCK

The Gottman Method helps couples manage, not resolve, conflict. Conflict is viewed as inherent in relationship and doesn’t go away. Happy couples report the majority of their conflicts, 69% are perpetual in nature, meaning they are present throughout the course of time and are dealt with only as needed. These recurrent themes become part of the couple’s shared landscape and are kept in perspective, not dwelt upon.

CREATE SHARED MEANING

Connection in relationship occurs as each person experiences the multitude of ways in which their partner enriches their life with a shared history and helps them find meaning and make sense of struggles.

PSYCHOTHERAPY:

“the treatment of mental disorder by psychological rather than medical means”

Psychotherapy, or talk therapy, is a way to help people with a broad variety of mental illnesses and emotional difficulties.

Psychotherapy can help eliminate or control troubling symptoms so a person can function better and can increase well-being and healing.

Problems helped by psychotherapy include difficulties in coping with daily life; the impact of trauma, medical illness or loss, like the death of a loved one; and specific mental disorders, like depression or anxiety.

There are several different types of psychotherapy and some types may work better with certain problems or issues.

Psychotherapy may be used in combination with medication or other therapies.



Therapy Sessions

Therapy may be conducted in an individual, family, couple, or group setting, and can help both children and adults. Most sessions are 30 to 50 minutes long. Both patient and therapist need to be actively involved in psychotherapy. The trust and relationship between a person and his/her therapist is essential to working together effectively and benefiting from psychotherapy.

Psychotherapy can be short-term (a few sessions), dealing with immediate issues, or long-term (months or years), dealing with longstanding and complex issues. The goals of treatment and arrangements for how often and how long to meet are planned jointly by the patient and therapist.

Confidentiality is a basic requirement of psychotherapy. Also, although patients share personal feelings and thoughts, intimate physical contact with a therapist is never appropriate, acceptable, or useful.



Psychotherapy and Medication

Psychotherapy is often used in combination with medication to treat mental health conditions. In some circumstances medication may be clearly useful and in others psychotherapy may be the best option. For many people combined medication and psychotherapy treatment is better than either alone. Healthy lifestyle improvements, such as good nutrition, regular exercise and adequate sleep, can be important in supporting recovery and overall wellness.